Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dear Sadie

You are a cat.  For the first 15 years of your life, you were my baby.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but there's a new kid in town.

This doesn't mean I don't love you anymore - just that I don't have time to pay you the attention you want.  When you jump on the couch, I worry about your cat hair & litter getting on the baby.  When I shoo you off a chair or blanket or bed, don't take it personally.  It's just that there is someone else. 

But next time you decide to pay me back for the lack of attention by vomiting ridiculous amounts of cat puke, please try to aim for the laminate. 

It's easier to clean.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What I Would Tell My Younger Self...

1. No one cares if your hair needs straightening or you skirt needs ironing - it's okay to not be perfect
2. There is no such thing as the ideal weight
3. Eat more vegetables, drink more water
4. Speeding isn't worth it
5. Go to more movies, concerts, late night outings
6. Spend more time with your grandparents
7. Do things with your mom, dad - just the two of you!
8. Be the best YOU - not someone else's idea of you
9. Write more
10. Friends who know everything about you and still love you are rare- cherish them!
11. Embrace your oddities
12. Do not drink vodka, wine and champagne -- all in one night
13. Travel more
14. You are lucky
15. Credit cards are the devil
16. Take sick days and sleep in - you deserve it!
17. Love is not enough
18. You will regret those mall bangs
19.  Invest in google stock
20. Be kind

Monday, September 26, 2011

Because I'm exhausted to my core, because you were awake every two hours last night, and because I stillandwillalways love you, little man, here is a poem I wrote in March during my pregnancy:

Tending Toward Joy

August.  Waking, strands clinging
To my forehead and neck, I think of 
the last pregnancy test:
The past two days were fat with
Soggy Kleenex and despair,
But I dreamt about a soaring rainbow
Directly over my head. 
It seemed if I could reach up
and touch its filmy colors, I’d have pulled away
covered in its promise. 
There’s a rainbow-hued light
Shining through my cracked world.

October.  Scents of hot cobbler and fall
fill my parents’ kitchen.  Mom stirs
Enchilada sauce on the stove.   
A glowing three-week old secret tickles my lips,
Ready to be born.
Staccato thumps my heart as
I make the announcement.
Now a blueberry in my hand, cold from the fridge: 
Our baby is this big.
Mom is so elated she can barely finish
making dinner, let alone eat it. 
Dad’s got tears in his eyes.

January.  Christmas and New Year’s have gone without
A drop of champagne crossing my lips.  I revel instead
in my just-swelling belly. 
No one said pregnancy would feel like
This paradox.  Wonderment in my capability as a woman –
One that is now growing a clean, new life –
Mixed with a selfish desire for my old body –
One that could run three miles and drink beer. 
Those first little wobbling flutters
Remind me how much I want this.

March.  June is just around the corner, and it’s
An eternity away.  Birthing classes, breastfeeding books,
Nesting for the little one inside me. I don’t even know him,  
I think, as I trace lines on my belly,
but there is already this titanium
link I feel melding my heart to his.  Some days are still
full of soggy Kleenex, but my husband’s everyday smile
is my anchor, and my child’s presence is my

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Let's take a moment to marvel at the wonder that is breastmilk, shall we? 

True, it is essentially juice squeezed from a person.  Which, I admit, sounds kind of gross.  But sometimes I just can't get over how truly cool it is! As a mama, I alone have provided all the nourishment my little man needs.  (My little man, who is probably at least 17 pounds at about 15 weeks!) The other day after pumping (which, let's be honest, truly sucks) I realized I had pumped almost 8 ounces in one sitting!  I couldn't get over how amazing the human body is -- how because Miles is going through a growth spurt, my body is creating more for him. 

But honestly, I never thought I would make it here. It's been a long road, and nursing was sooo hard the first few weeks that I really, really wanted to stop altogether.  At one of my lowest points, I called my friend Shannon, who nursed her daughter to 13 months.  I was sore.  I was engorged.  I wanted to give up.  And all I wanted was for her to say it was okay to quit. 

She never did. 

I was pissed. 

But now I'm grateful.  I know I couldn't have ever made it here without support from her and other friends like Kelsey ( who helped me realize how lucky I am to be able to nurse. It's an amazing feat, and I feel so blessed to have had the experience. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

14 & 1/2 weeks

It seems like all of a sudden Miles is doing everything!  What happened to my baby? He's rolling over and breaking out of his nighttime swaddle, wanting to eat every three hours during the night (unfortunately), and overall being so very active!  I'm caught between being excited for things to come - like talking and eating solid foods - and being sad that some of the baby stuff is done already.  I tried dressing him  this morning in this adorable Ralph Lauren jumper (size 3 mos) that he's worn maybe three times, and it was tight on his arms and would barely button across his chest! 
Sometimes I just want to rewind...

Monday, September 19, 2011

My cup runneth over

This weekend for some reason I was thinking of the hospital nightmare when baby Miles was only one week old.  I remembered lying in that awful hospital bed, thinking my life might actually be in danger.  It was terrifying, having to consider that I might not be around for my baby, that I might not have all the little family moments that life is really made of.  It may sound melodramatic now, but at the time the fear was very real to me.  I just kept thinking how happy I'd be if I could just go home, and when I finally got there two days later, I remember feeling incredibly thankful.  I just knew I would never take my little family for granted again.  I vowed to never underestimate the beauty in all the little moments. As I reflected back on all those feelings, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and love towards my husband who sometimes frustrates me but is overall amazing.  My heart was overflowing with love as I looked at my son, smiling in his sleep. I thanked God again and again for this gift of being a Mama. 
Then all that gratitude and love was tested at about 11 pm when baby Miles absolutely would not stay asleep!  After several feedings, countless rockings, soothings, burpings, and tummy rubs, he kept waking up crying two minutes after drifting off.  I stood frustrated in the dark, listening to his cries, not knowing what to do to make it better.  I was utterly exasperated and wanted to just sit on the floor and give up. 
But then the afternoon's sweet moments of appreciation came back, and I mustered the strength to try again. 
It seems weird, and sort of cliche, but I know that the hospital drama all happened to give me patience in the dark moments. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

down the road

When I look out at the sea of students in my classroom every day, I can't help wondering what life will be like for you, my son, in 16 years.  Will people sit in classrooms to learn?  Or will we simply log on to a computer and be taught by machines?  
Will there even be computers... or will we just push a button in our ear to download a new language or learn Jiu Jitsu? 
Will the world be a better place by then?  Or will there still be poverty, war and crime? 

Whatver this place is like 16 years from now, I am certain you will make your world warmer, more accepting.  I am certain you will love and be loved, and that is a beautiful thought. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Just a few things I love about motherhood:

  • The sweet, milky smell of Miles' tiny palms
  • Bathtime
  • Morning smiles and giggles
  • The fat roll in the middle of his forearm
  • Teeny tiny toes
  • When Robert picks up Miles after getting home from work
  • Watching their father / son bond grow stronger every day
  • Kissy nuzzle time when I love on his little neck
  • Trying to eat dinner with Miles on my knee because he doesn't want to be put down.  Yep, this is sort of annoying but it's also kind of cute
  • Showing complete strangers pictures of my son
  • His voice as he babbles to himself in the car on the way home
  • The conspiratorial smile mamas share when they see each other out stroller walking
  • The first sight of my son at daycare after 8 long hours away from him
  • Waking up every morning and remembering I'm a mama

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Beautiful Mess

Anyone who's a mom knows the second you become a mom you begin to worry about the weirdest things.

For instance, I was beginning to get concerned when Miles hadn't had a dirty diaper in about two days, and that he was producing the foulest smelling gas ever made by a 3 month old.  (This from a kid who used to make three or more dirty, non-stinky diapers a day!)  Then yesterday as I was standing in line at Subway, holding my sweet little angel (since holding the car seat is like toting around an anvil - yes, my shoulder muscles are very sculpted now, thank you), I realized my arm was wet. 
Hmmm... I thought - must be a diaper leak. 
Indeed it was.
Two days' worth of breastmilk had worked its way through my baby and right out of his diaper all over me.  It was on him, it was on my arm, and it was making its way up my shirt. 
But here's what's funny - I wasn't grossed out or embarrassed -- even though the "sandwich artist" was giving me a funny look. 
I was relieved.  "Yes!" I rejoiced in my new mother-warped brain.  "My son is healthy! He finally pooped!"

And then I, a mom covered in poo, happily ordered my sandwich.  To go. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Blogging Virgin

Though I have never before blogged, my good friend has inspired me to write about my new life as a mama.  Miles' arrival on June 11, 2011 changed my life so drastically that it's difficult to explain exactly how fabulous and chaotic our world has become since then.  But that's what I'll attempt to do here.  Baby Miles (a.k.a. Bubba, a.k.a Sweet Cheeks) deserves it : )