I'm in the process of stopping nursing. Someone today asked me why. Why am I not waiting until Miles is a year old? Why now? Part of me wanted to get defensive - it's my decision, it's my baby and my body and none of your business. But instead I was just honest.
I'm done with it.
Then the conversation turned to the weirdos (yep, I said it, but you don't have to agree with me) who nurse their children into elementary school.
Now that I've made the decision and have started pumping less often, I have to give myself permission to feel all of feelings that go along with stopping.
There is guilt. I feel guilty for the money we could be saving and guilty for the nutrition I've chosen to stop giving my child. Because I could do it longer - I've made it this far. I could try to make it a year. Every time I dip into the $25 can of Similac and see that it's nearly time to buy a new one, I have doubts.
But there is also relief. Being a parent, and especially (I think) being a Mama, is hard enough. To take away a little of the stress by making it not ALL my responsibility to create and supply the food - that feels amazing. It feels like my load is a little lighter. I am excited not to have to leave my teaching partner alone with 60 kids so I can go pump. I am excited to drink more than one cup of coffee or have a soda at lunch if I damn well please. I am excited to have a martini.
There is trepidation. Will my baby thrive as well on formula? (If you've seen the size of my child, you know this is a silly question. But it's one I ask myself nonetheless.) Will he miss the closeness of our time together? I know I will.
But mostly there is the peace because I know in my gut that it is time. Yes, I will miss the quiet moments that used to belong to just him and me. Yes, I will have to start watching what I eat again. But it feels right to do it now. So I am.
And it's okay.
I'll take my martini filthy dirty and up, by the way.